DAMNATION...fragment from '05

DAMNATION
Part Four:
The Hysteria of the Demented Life and Desperate Dreams of
Dr. Faustus




Prologue:

1.
Among the ethers did I roam
With my fellow beings of light
The firmament was our home
The beauty of eternal night
We were blessed, lacking for naught
We tripped the light fantastic
Playing as all beings aught
Our imaginations elastic
All life was a story told
We watched with such glee
Till humans did I behold
Their stories fascinating to see
I wandered over the Earth
Viewing their creative madness
Rising to the heights of mirth
Then sinking into such sadness
I spent much time with these creatures
With those on high, and born low
With poets, soldiers, teachers,
Monks, beggars, those in the know
Then from the heavens was I cast
For overreaching curiosity
Into human flesh recast
Which taught me their true ferocity

2.
I never knew my real father.
He was a traveling mentalist,
Using the stage name of Doctor Faustus,
Who seduced my Mother,
An aspiring singer,
Then moved on.
Mom married an airforceman,
Who gave me his surname,
Till they divorced a coupla years later.
I was born via cesarean
With a stillborn brother.
When I was 3 she married an
Ex-musician turned businessman.
He adopted me; and along came a
Sister, then a brother.
At age 6 I was labeled a
Dreamer, and slow to learn.
The other kids, at Catholic school,
Tormented me mercilessly.
And so my life as an outsider
Began.
By the time I entered puberty
I suffered from Melancholia,
And had an Inferiority Complex,
Which interfered with my
Interest in girls.
I wrote compulsively
Stories, skits, poems, puppet plays.
I performed whenever possible,
Puppets, ventriloquism, acting
Magic, clowning, story-telling.
At age 12 or 13 I was
Put on Ritalin
And some other
Narcotic
Which caused intense
Conceptual hallucinations.
I was afraid, for instance, that God
Would accidentally step on us.
I was diagnosed with
Simple Schizophrenia at 17.
That year, too, I was introduced
To the Faust story
Via Goethe in a lit class.
We read it aloud.
I played Mephistopheles.
When I was 18 I was seduced
By a Succubus, who took my seed
Then cast me aside,
And kept our daughter to herself,
Which put me into deep despair,
Losing my Christian faith.
I smoked pot daily, and
Drank heavily, for a year,
Until Mom through me on a
Plane for Europe
Which changed my life.

OR

II.
I never knew my real father.
He was a traveling mentalist,
Using the stage name of Dr. Faustus,
Who seduced my Mother,
An aspiring singer,
Then moved on.
[Mom married an airforceman,
Who gave me his surname,
Till they divorced a coupla years later.]
I was born via cesarean, prematurely,
With a stillborn brother.
Mom took me to my first movie,
HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES,
When I was 6 months old.
I was entranced.
She took me all the time,
As I would never make a fuss,
But watch the entire movie.
I was also a beach baby,
Learning to swim,
Long before I could walk.
My first theatre experience was
When I played Baby New Year
A couple of months before my 2nd Birthday.
When I was 3 she married an
Ex-musician turned businessman.
He adopted me; and along came a
Sister, then a brother.
One Summer a cousin
Came to visit.
He was 18, I was 5.
We bonded.
Two weeks later he was
Killed
In a motorcycle accident.
I realized my mortality.
At age 6, I was labeled a
Dreamer, and slow to learn.
The other kids, at Catholic school,
Tormented me mercilessly.
And so my life as an outsider
Began.
Occasionally I met others like me.
With whom I had many adventures.
When I was 7.
I had my first Lucid Dream
I floated up out of my body,
Out my 2nd story window,
Into the overgrown garden next door,
Where I met various creatures,
With whom I felt at home.
As I returned to my body,
I met my dead twin brother,
Who said he'd be with me
Always.
In the summer
Between 2nd and 3rd grades
One of my classmates
Along with her little sister
Were raped and strangled
A few blocks from their home.
Mom and Dad
Divorced
When I was 9.
Dad played the
Sympathy game.
But I did see a lot
More of him.
[He moved in with
His parents.
I spent time there
Hanging with the local
Pre-teen gang
Known as the 43rd Avenue Gang
(Pee-wee gangs in that 'hood
Were named for freeway off-ramps).]
[One time, he took
Me to the desert
To visit a client
Who had a daughter.
I was 9, she was 10
And oh so cute.
We skinny-dipped,
Slept in the same bed,
Explored each other.]
Meanwhile, this was the 60's
And while my little world
Kept being shattered
By circumstances beyond my control
There was upheaval throughout the land.
People were fed up with hierarchical
Bullshit.
It was time for a change;
People took to the streets
For equality, environment, peace,
Freedom!
The high school up the street
Had riots in the playground
And teachers’ cars were torched.
There's always a dark side to
Revolution.
The power elite has been trying
To take back lost ground
Ever since.
When I was 10
We moved to a
Mountain resort
So I could breathe.
The smog in L.A. was that bad.
By the time I was a teenager
I suffered from Melancholia,
And had an Inferiority Complex,
Which interfered with my
Interest in girls.
I wrote compulsively
Stories, skits, poems, puppet plays.
I performed whenever possible,
Puppets, ventriloquism, acting,
Magic, clowning, story-telling,
The high school band, and a local ice show.
At age 12 or 13 I was
Put on Ritalin
And some other
Amphetamine.
These caused intense
Conceptual hallucinations.
I was afraid God
Would accidentally step on us.
When I was 14, time with a
Trusted elder
Turned ugly
As he lusted after me
Becoming all hands
When he'd had a few.
[2 deaths when I was 15;
An ex-girlfriend
In a small boat
Hit direct on by a speedboat
Dead before she hit the water;
My favorite uncle finished
His yearlong descent
Through Hepatitis.]
One fine day
I hiked deep
Into the woods
I had only a piece of
Rope with me
Once I was far, far away
I found a tree
With a sturdy branch
I could climb up to
Which I did.
I tied one end of the
Rope
Round the branch
The other end round
My neck
Then jumped down.
There was the sound
Of a raging sea.
The trees rushed about
Frantically.
Then the Earth reached up
And smacked me hard.
When I opened my eyes again
I lay on the ground.
I looked up
Saw broken rope
Hanging from the branch.
I buried the noose end.
I couldn't move my neck for a week.
I said I fell out of bed.
[My first real love
Was at 16, she 1 year
And 1 day younger.
I wasn't cool enough for
Her, but she liked the
Attention, including the
Bad poetry I wrote.
She even disrupted my
Involvement with her twin sister,
Out of petty jealousy.]
I was diagnosed with
Simple Schizophrenia at 17.
That year, too, I was introduced
To the Faust story
Via Goethe in a lit class
We did a staged reading.
I played Mephistopheles.
Then, during the assembly
Where we were performing
While I tried to relax
Outside the auditorium
A classmate, some 8 feet away
Blew off his hands
Set himself on fire
With a homemade bomb.
I frantically searched for
Something to put out the fire
But there was nothing
And I got lost in the smoke.
[Later, I made one of my
Super 8mm movies
About a young, modern
Faust,
In which I played the lead,
And Mephistopheles, in a Bela Lugosi mask.]
[The same year
A usually benevolent ghost in our house
Was scaring my sister
So I performed an
Exorcism.
(Years later we found out the Ghost
Had moved into the house next door).]
When I was 18 I was seduced
By a Succubus, who took my virginity and my seed
Then cast me aside,
And kept our daughter to herself,
Which put me into deep despair,
Losing my Christian faith,
I smoked pot daily, and
Drank heavily, for almost year,
Until Mom threw me on a
Plane for Europe
Which changed my life.
BOOK I: THE SON OF DR. FAUSTUS


Chapter 1

Sept. 9th: I finally left Maggie last night. My friends Kit and Robin have let
me move into the den of their 3-room basement apt. in _______. I feel as if a
huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
The last 12 years with Maggie, which seemed so promising in the beginning, had
become an absurdity. For more than 3 years we have lived more as roommates,
though she refused to accept this.
Although my creativity has been prolific in this last period, the undo stress of
living with her and her demons, letting her drain my energies, was hazardous to
my well-being.
I wonder if she will ever grasp the truth.

Sept. 10th: E-mailed “Columbine” today, letting her know that I’ve left Maggie.
She owned up to the fact that she has been seeing a mutual friend, whom I shall
call “Harlequin”.
I felt as if I’d been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer.

Sept. 13th: Having spent the weekend with Kit, friend Ralph, and others in
Mass., drinking and smoking pot, I have mellowed over my heartache. “Columbine”
was the impetus I needed to do what was necessary, such as declaring bankruptcy,
to finally separate from Maggie.

Sept. 16th: Drinking night with co-workers, “Columbine” and “Harlequin” among
them. I could see how happy she was – she’d been miserable after the breakup
with her long time boyfriend last year (at about the same time “H.” also had a
bad breakup). I could not help but be happy for her. At one point “H.” and I
talked. They both had talked about my attraction to “C.”, not wanting to hurt my
feelings; their getting together just happened without any intention. I told him
I was happy for both of them, that I could see how right it was, that he was
“just what the doctor ordered.”
The night was actually rather cathartic.


Chapter 2